Tom Asacker

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Truth Seven: From Doing To to Doing With (and For)

No one cares how much you know, until they know how much you care. And it doesn't take a genius to tell the difference between someone who listens in order to get something, and someone who listens because she cares.

I care about business and I care about people. And it's great to see the old world of business beginning to finally fade from the horizon. That world was pretty much about one thing: doing things to people to make a buck. It was all about control and manipulation. Consider selling: It's a universally accepted approach to business. But the simple word "sales" conjures up high-pressure and contrived tactics like "foot in the door," "closing techniques," and "bait and switch." Guess what? People repel from the unpleasant idea of those slick and insincere practices. Today, they want you to do things with them and for them. They want respect and understanding. They want to feel special. They want to express themselves and they want control over their lives. And they want you to help them get there. Business is no longer a simple cause and effect, transactional, quota-driven environment. Now it's all about trust and involvement - relationships. And relationships are messy. Relationships are hard to quantify. Relationships take time.

This is a moment in time that holds more possibilities for you than any period in the history of humankind. And the only thing standing between you and the results you truly want is you - and your need to control it. That's right! Your mind is your enemy. And control is your albatross. Control destroys relationships. Control blinds you to opportunities. Control shuts down your inner voice. Control is driven by your ego's need to serve itself. Control is an illusion you cling to primarily to alleviate your fears. Leaders give up the need to control, come to terms with their own egos, and dedicate themselves to helping others. They inspire. They embrace change. They accept the uncertainty of the future. They trust people and help them live their dreams.

We like to believe otherwise. We like to believe that control is a good thing - an attribute of a strong individual. In our upside-down way of thinking, we assume that by being in control, we can prevent bad surprises and get precisely what we desire out of life. We're convinced that control keeps people secure and in their places, thereby preventing us from being disappointed by them. But nothing could be further from the truth. The need for control comes from weakness or insecurity. It is fear-based, plain and simple. Fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of being judged by others, fear of intimacy, fear of loss, fear of not making quota. And this fear is what prevents us from discovering our true passion and purpose. It prevents us from doing what we do best and letting others do what they do best. It stifles people's growth and eventually pushes others away from us.

Do you want to be fearless in this new and complex and environment? Do you want to eliminate the anxiety that comes from giving up control? Do you want to get past the impatience, frustration and skepticism of today's customer and employee? Here’s the trick: Simply change your intentions. Start right now by listening to your inner voice and never act again without first asking yourself: "Is this a loving way to be? Is this a caring thing to say or do?" When you create this openness and love for life, the feeling radiates within, and to others around you. Sincere caring for others will act as an antidote to reduce fear and anxiety. You won't be afraid of what others think or whether or not you'll be successful. You'll simply feel good about your efforts to help others. It's all there within you, but it will take time and patience.

Giving up control will also provide additional benefits. It will create a huge sense of internal relief. By giving up, you won't have to pretend to be perfect, to know-it-all. You can set very grand, general expectations and thus avoid the disappointment that comes from trying to micromanage people and events. By allowing for the unexpected, you can stay mindful and in the present. And by accepting the uncertainty of the future, you can absolve yourself from the blame that comes with making bad predictions or choices. You know: "It shouldn't have happened that way. I should have seen it coming." Blah, blah, blah. You can finally give up trying to be the best in the world, and instead, focus on what matters most: being the best for the world.

As Gandhi said: "Be the change you want to see in the world." You don't have to be part of the world that emphasizes the pursuit of wealth, reputation and conventionality. Instead, be other-focused and have boundless empathy for human frustration and suffering. Stop listening to your weak, cynical and selfish inner voice that tells you that it's "their problem." You're much greater than that. Let your mind go and feel and understand with your heart and gut. Don't be quietly cynical or apathetic. Don't push or persuade. Be open, optimistic, compassionate, and kind. Help people feel better about themselves and their place in the world. Because the true measure of success is not what people think about you nor how many people know your name, but how many people's lives you've touched.

Posted July 17, 2006
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